Of course, we are so in love with our little guy and can't imagine our family without him now. But, then? Well . . .
After throwing up for weeks, I had chalked it up to the stress of my mom's situation, combined with my tendency to skip meals when I was going back and forth to the hospital. When Rich suggested that I may be pregnant, I thought he was crazy, but I took a test in late March to check. It was negative. This confirmed my thoughts that I was just stressed out. I knew the stress wouldn't subside, as we had just learned of my mom's stage IV cancer diagnosis. Trying to relax was not a likely solution, so I made it a point to not miss any more meals.
The nausea didn't stop and my clothes were now beginning to get tight. Crap. So on the evening of 4/1/14, I took another test. That time, the positive result appeared so quickly, I nearly fainted. I was a huge ball of emotions, but mostly I was just thinking it must be wrong and that this could not be happening at that moment. Our plates were full, the surrounding placemat was also full, the tables were full. Full, full, full.
Immediately, I was worried about how I would have time for a baby while I was taking care of my mom. Because, yes, at that time, even though the oncologist told us her case was terminal, I didn't want to believe him. Doctors are wrong all the time, right?! Pregnancy tests are wrong too. Plates were full and everyone/everything was wrong.
Then, everything else hit me. How would we add one more human being to our already crazy home?! How could we afford it? How would I deal with all the judgements and comments: "I thought you were done? Don't you guys use protection? You know how this happens, right?!" Yes to all three of those questions. And yes, we were asked each of them, several times, by various people. How does that phrase go? If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Ha ha, God, ha ha.
I threw the stupid pregnancy stick on the ground and screamed at the top of my lungs. I stomped downstairs to tell Rich the news. Oh great, I thought, how am I going to tell the man who initially didn't even want a third child that we were now going to have a fourth?!
I must've looked like a hot mess because when he saw me, he just hugged me. That was happening a lot during that time - me a hot mess, him there to support me. In fact, he had pretty much taken over with the kids so that I could be with my mom as much as possible. I know it wasn't easy and he was exhausted. So, I was not looking forward to telling a sleep-deprived zombie that we would have yet another one to keep us up all night.
When I finally got the words out, I expected him to scream like I had just done. But, no, his reaction reminded me why I married him. And why even though his laid back attitude can drive me crazy sometimes (why can't you just do it noooowwww?!), it is exactly what I need to balance out my high strung nature. He held me and said, "We can do this. We are a team and we can do this. Remember when you told me we were having Kirra and I was upset at first? Look at what a blessing she has been to our family. I'm so happy we have her and I love her more than I ever thought possible. It will be the same with this little one too. Don't worry."
When we lost my mom less than three weeks later, Rich told me that God sent the new baby to us to give me one more person to support me through the loss. He reflected back to the passing of his own mom and how that first year was the hardest.
As my mom's one-year-anniversary approaches, I look back to the hardest year I have ever experienced. But, I also look at my little angel and I am so grateful to him. Grateful for keeping me busy. Grateful for giving me a reason to take six months off to be with my family during a time when I needed it most. Grateful that I have another sweet child to carry on my mom's legacy. Grateful for our little April Fool.
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